I feel like I need to do more stuff, generally. I mean on the one hand, I have postponed a lot of work in the last couple of days because whenever I heard I might as well be out, I did not really hesitate to do so and I will definitely have to pay for that in one way or another, one way being that I now have to sit down on a Sunday night and work. What I’m getting at is more that I have postponed or avoided a number of other things simply because I didn’t dare step out of my bubble. It would be naive to think that I could overcome years of not doing what I should have done in merely a couple of weeks that I have left here, but I feel at times that my eyes have been opened for certain things. I know that if I say we went out to some pubs and talked to some people it does not really sound like a whole lot but what you have to understand is that whatever I do here I’m trying not to question it (which is hard because I always do). There’s nothing wrong with having questions and with wanting to know about things, I’m getting at the attitude however where you never leave things be, where you never just accept and enjoy. I learned that what you believe is not what you know that you believe but what your default belief is, what you know without being aware of it. I learned that doing is better than talking about doing. I learned that people in Temple Bar blow bubbles in the middle of the night. I learned that learning is what wakes me up, what keeps me awake, what keeps me from falling asleep again. I learned that you need to go with your gut on certain things and I for one am not good with logic, with structure, so gut is all I got to rely on, maybe it is time I start doing that properly.
Right now in all the messy and chaotic manner my mind spins around its own axis, I feel weirdly determined, I feel like I have a plan and I think that I need to follow through with it as long as it still seems like an actual option, I don’t think that I’m escaping anything, I feel like I’m embracing something else.
